Dear Wilma: A Parenting Advice Column from a Neanderthal Mom

Dear Wilma,

I am a working mom and don’t always have time to break out the food processor to personally puree my 8-month-old son’s fruits and vegetables. However, I am concerned that packaged baby food isn’t as nutritious and pure as homemade baby food. Do you think that using, say, jarred butternut squash will have any toxic effects on my son’s health?

Signed,

Health-Minded in Houston

Dear Health-Minded,

Seriously? I pulled myself away from cave lion hunting for this? Puh-lease, Homo sapien. I let my baby girl suck on the rotting carcass of a wooly mammoth and she managed to survive. That water we drink from the Euphrates ain’t exactly filtered either. My point being, you humans need to obsessing over such ridiculousness. Also, babies love rotten wooly mammoth meat.

Dear Wilma:

My toddler son REFUSES to put his coat on before we go outside, even though it’s 30 degrees out there! He screams and kicks the floor until I just give up. I’m afraid he’s going to catch a cold! Any tips for getting him to cooperate?

Signed,

Frustrated in Farmingdale

Dear Frustrated,

As one who is surviving the Ice Age and all, I scoff at your tiny human chests and ribs that make you so weak in the “cold.” Wusses! That being said, I find that my children are more likely to wear their bear skins when I ask them with a spear pointed at their heads. And if all else fails, let him succumb to the freezing temperatures and throw him over the fire for dinner. Hey, we moms are busy — we don’t have time to coddle the insubordinate!

Dear Wilma,

My three-year-old daughter loves to give me art projects as gifts, but I’m running out of space for them. Any creative ways you can suggest for saving her artwork?

Signed,

Space-Challenged in Sacramento

Dear Space-Challenged,

You’re running out of space for art? Just move to a cave with bigger walls for her to draw on! Duh.

Wilma is a Neanderthal who was put together using analysis of DNA from 43,000-year-old bones that had been cannibalized. The mother of five sturdy children with large heads — to whom she gave birth without so much as a bison head to throw at her baby-daddy during labor — Wilma enjoys scavenging from dead animals, harvesting berries, protecting her kids from saber-toothed tigers, and sharing funny cave bear memes on Pinterest in her spare time.